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As anyone who's ever had gay sex, thought about gay sex or watched gay sex will know there are endless combinations possible gay sex.

I gay or am I bi, what am I?


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For men who have already married women, that self-acceptance is often tangled shame, betrayal, guilt and dread. A world of gay cruising opened up to him, he realised there were others like him, and that they were everywhere. Over the next year he had several sexual encounters with other men.

He loathed himself for it. He became distracted. It was in one of those fights that he finally ripped off the band-aid and told her. His wife discovered her high school sweetheart was gay. He was her husband, the father of her children.

Ashamed, Confused And In The Closet : NPR

For men, it can be the climax of a long period of turmoil. Indeed, she never did. The pair kept their family together stayed under the same roof for ten years. Women often find themselves grappling with shock, betrayal, isolation, shame, and anger. For Jim, life out of the closet has been a radical departure. The married father of two suddenly found himself navigating the gay dating world for the first time.

Gay friends are often fascinated by his former life. Decades since coming out, Jim still talks to his wife regularly.

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How Does Sexuality Affect Style? • In The Closet

Skip to content Dating In the Closet You are here: Can we post our relationship status online? Can we post pictures of us looking like a couple online? Can we display pictures at work of us looking like a couple? Who can each of us talk to about our relationship? What, if any, are the boundaries for that? How should we introduce one another to friends and family? Where can we go out in public together as a couple, safely? What happens if someone who knows you and I spend time together sees me in a queer social setting or with other out people?

How do we act in public?

More from Sex & Relationships

Is there a code word or phrase we can use when one of us is feeling too exposed? My heart hurts to read this letter. This is somebody who is really suffering. Ashamed and Confused, you are a partner with your wife, but I do think you need to transition out of this traditional marriage. Whether that means divorce or not is something for you to decide. But you don't have to lose every aspect of this relationship by changing it. Subscribe to Dear Sugar Radio: RSS iTunes Stitcher. Follow the Sugars on Twitter dearsugarradio. You now understand that you're gay and you want to be with men.

That's some clarity you didn't have before, and that's a gift. That doesn't mean everything has to be destroyed with this woman whom you love and respect and have a friendship with. I think we have this compulsion to say, "You're this or you're that.

Figure it out and keep your identity static so everyone knows what to call you. That might shift. It might not. But the idea that you're just out of the closet now is part of the trick we are playing on ourselves — that we can only be one thing or the other. You are what you are at this moment. Your desires are what they are at this moment, for this partner. They could change over time, and the world just has to deal with that and accept it. Ashamed and Confused, you don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Your wife sounds like a wonderful partner and person in so many ways, whether you're sleeping in the same bed or not.

Change is hard, but being honest and getting to the other side was one of the most freeing things that I've ever done.

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‘Honey, I’ve got a secret’ : When gay men come out to their wives

A great therapist of mine has this exercise that involves going into a body of water, and even though it's cold and waves might be coming, you just keep walking and you say, "Bring it on, bring it on" — meaning all of the truth. Let it wash over you. I know it's scary, I know it's cold, but bring it on. Because eventually, that will calm down, your body temperature will adapt, and you'll be still and free and more comfortable.


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Listen to the full episode to hear from more people questioning their sexual feelings.